I overheard these words on the street yesterday. Some American tourists I think, a group of young women visiting Copenhagen, complete with city maps and cameras.
One of the women was walking a few meters away from the others, and she did indeed look a bit sullen. The others ( three or four) walked close together and it was from that group I heard those words being shouted at the sullen one.
Of course I resisted my urge to ask the shouting person: If she knew how to do that, she probably would've done it long ago, don't you think?
In fact that was the reply I should have given when people told me the exact same thing. You can't ask people to stop 'being' what they are. I can't ask my son to be less odd. I can't ask myself to be more relaxed, less sensitive. It is like asking people to take off their hat, only that it isn't. We can wear traits as a hat, if we choose to. And take it off as well. If I am afraid somebody would trespass my boundaries, I'd put on aloofness as a hat. But the aloofness that is inside me is there always, and that I can't take off.
Instead of telling other people that they should stop being what they are, perhaps we should stop judging them by our own standards and instead try and embrace the heterogeneity of people and their personalities.
Showing posts with label opinions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label opinions. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 May 2013
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Theory of Mind
I just googled 'theory of mind'. It appears that autistic people don't develop this or develop it insufficiently. I have no intentions to generalise, but I know what it's like for me.
I used to think - as a kid - that everybody else functioned like myself. I felt deceived if people disagreed with me, and I couldn't understand that their reaction was different from mine.
When I grew older, I realised that everybody else were perfect. I was the only imperfect one. They always knew what to say and what to do, and I didn't. If colleague A says: I am scared of being fired, it is not a sign of weakness, rather it is because exposing weakness is the right thing to do. If family member B talks about a newly deceased and says 'I don't know what to say to the relatives' - then that is the way to react, and the correct amount of sharing. When female friend C complains about her husband, she does so in the right setting and the right amount. Somehow the correct way of sharing/exposing weakness/revealing private information has been implanted in their brains, and they just DO the right thing, without endless considerations of what the right thing is. Those considerations are mine. I am (still) the only imperfect one. But recently I have suggested to myself that others may be as imperfect.
This discovery (too big a word there, 'suggestion' is better) is very difficult to get my head around. When I am in a social situation I still (firmly) believe that all others are perfect. But on my way home on my bicycle, while debriefing myself from the social interactions of the day, it sometimes occur to me that A, B and C perhaps were as insecure - or almost as insecure - of what they should say or do in the social situation as I was.
I appear to have considered other people as some kind of astronomical objects, sticking firmly to their path, which they can see clearly. While I haven't had a path of my own, and I also haven't been able to see theirs. I am the blind spaceship, floating about, sometimes colliding with the stoic planets or crossing their path in an inconvenient way. But most of the time I have been able to fly more or less on someone else's path, safe until I accidentally left it.
Until now I haven't really been interested in what happened inside other people's heads.
The reason for this is:
I used to think - as a kid - that everybody else functioned like myself. I felt deceived if people disagreed with me, and I couldn't understand that their reaction was different from mine.
When I grew older, I realised that everybody else were perfect. I was the only imperfect one. They always knew what to say and what to do, and I didn't. If colleague A says: I am scared of being fired, it is not a sign of weakness, rather it is because exposing weakness is the right thing to do. If family member B talks about a newly deceased and says 'I don't know what to say to the relatives' - then that is the way to react, and the correct amount of sharing. When female friend C complains about her husband, she does so in the right setting and the right amount. Somehow the correct way of sharing/exposing weakness/revealing private information has been implanted in their brains, and they just DO the right thing, without endless considerations of what the right thing is. Those considerations are mine. I am (still) the only imperfect one. But recently I have suggested to myself that others may be as imperfect.
This discovery (too big a word there, 'suggestion' is better) is very difficult to get my head around. When I am in a social situation I still (firmly) believe that all others are perfect. But on my way home on my bicycle, while debriefing myself from the social interactions of the day, it sometimes occur to me that A, B and C perhaps were as insecure - or almost as insecure - of what they should say or do in the social situation as I was.
I appear to have considered other people as some kind of astronomical objects, sticking firmly to their path, which they can see clearly. While I haven't had a path of my own, and I also haven't been able to see theirs. I am the blind spaceship, floating about, sometimes colliding with the stoic planets or crossing their path in an inconvenient way. But most of the time I have been able to fly more or less on someone else's path, safe until I accidentally left it.
Until now I haven't really been interested in what happened inside other people's heads.
The reason for this is:
- Either that I've been too busy always trying to fit in and haven't had the resources to figure out what was going on in everybody elses heads
- Or that I am basically too self-absorbed to be interested in what happens inside other people's heads. I am not narcissistic because I clearly see my own flaws, but I find those flaws much more interesting than trying to comprehend the almost incomprehensible.
My discovery - that they may not be so perfect after all - still doesn't give me a clue as to what actually does happen inside their heads. So I am not really closer to that theory of mind...
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Un-opinionated
I have strong analytical skills and weak opinions. I only realised that about myself yesterday.
There is a lot of changes taking place at work these days. I don't like that and I am eagerly waiting for it to pass. Some of the changes are good, others (such as people being laid off) are sad or worrying. I try to maintain a constructive attitude. But it is very difficult. Some of my colleagues are very negative, and they tend to see the worst, maybe even a conspiracy, in the whole thing. And when I talk to these people, I adopt their views. I become negative myself. It is as if they trigger something, a process that I can't stop. Ten minutes of negative talk and then I loop. I get stressed and depressed and I can't sleep.
I realised that my subconcious appears to have invented its own coping strategy. To put things in perspective, I seek the company of people with more positive views. I try and balance things in my head.
It is as if there is an analysis machine inside my head. If it is fed with conspiracy and negativity, it produces a negative analysis bordering on a full conspiracy theory. On the other hand, if it is fed with more constructive thoughts, the resulting analysis is likewise constructive and balanced.
Politically, I have some strong views on equal rights. I don't doubt for a second, that people's own choices should be respected as long as they don't impact negatively on others freedom. In other words, people can have whatever religion, living arrangements, sexual preferences etc. they wish and I strongly believe that society should accommodate this. That was basically the end of my strong views.
For everything else, I am - regrettably - a windbag. If I can see the reason of peoples argument, I more or less adopt it. And very often I can see the reason. I long ago decided on my favourite political party, which makes things easy, because I just have to adopt their views.
Damn. I wish I had stronger views - on a greater variety of things. Maybe this has to do with being a copycat?
There is a lot of changes taking place at work these days. I don't like that and I am eagerly waiting for it to pass. Some of the changes are good, others (such as people being laid off) are sad or worrying. I try to maintain a constructive attitude. But it is very difficult. Some of my colleagues are very negative, and they tend to see the worst, maybe even a conspiracy, in the whole thing. And when I talk to these people, I adopt their views. I become negative myself. It is as if they trigger something, a process that I can't stop. Ten minutes of negative talk and then I loop. I get stressed and depressed and I can't sleep.
I realised that my subconcious appears to have invented its own coping strategy. To put things in perspective, I seek the company of people with more positive views. I try and balance things in my head.
It is as if there is an analysis machine inside my head. If it is fed with conspiracy and negativity, it produces a negative analysis bordering on a full conspiracy theory. On the other hand, if it is fed with more constructive thoughts, the resulting analysis is likewise constructive and balanced.
Politically, I have some strong views on equal rights. I don't doubt for a second, that people's own choices should be respected as long as they don't impact negatively on others freedom. In other words, people can have whatever religion, living arrangements, sexual preferences etc. they wish and I strongly believe that society should accommodate this. That was basically the end of my strong views.
For everything else, I am - regrettably - a windbag. If I can see the reason of peoples argument, I more or less adopt it. And very often I can see the reason. I long ago decided on my favourite political party, which makes things easy, because I just have to adopt their views.
Damn. I wish I had stronger views - on a greater variety of things. Maybe this has to do with being a copycat?
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