Disclosure

The seventh chapter of the employment biography is about disclosure. I will only summarise it briefly before moving on to the last and much more interesting chapter .

I am a member of various Asperger facebook groups, and before Google reader was closed, I subscribed to a number of aspie blogs. So on the internet, I have disclosed my suspected Asperger to hundreds of people, none of whom I've met in real life. In reality, I have told my husband and three other people. My husband may have told other people, our views on openness are quite different... He also bought me a mug where 'aspie' is written with the Pi sign, and if we have visitors he asks me to explain why I drink my coffee out of that mug. I have no intentions of disclosing my Asperger to colleagues, acquaintances or my parents, for that matter.

I should say here that I have booked a time at a psychiatrist in order to get a diagnosis. I score very high in all Asperger-tests on the internet, so I am rather sure he'll give me the diagnosis. However, I want the diagnosis in order to get the right treatment for depression.

The Big Bang Theory

I never watch TV. I get impatient during movies and I prefer to consume news in writing, from paper or web. But I enjoy sitcoms - and I enjoy them more if the characters somehow resemble me. My favourite show is the Big Bang Theory. Because the characters are scientists. And nerds. I like that and I like them. I like the ordinary girl of the show, too, though I don't really recognise myself in her. In fact, Penny is one of the two top stars of that show, but that is not my point.

My first point relates to the other top star of the show. The famous, brilliant and very annoying Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Here and there on the internet people have diagnosed Sheldon with Aspergers. Somebody (I forgot who) suggests that he has other diagnoses as well, or traits at least. Inter alia, his narcissism is far beyond what you'd normally see in an Aspie. More than one person with Asperger have been compared to Sheldon.

I like Sheldon a lot. He is much more quirky than I am, he has really perfected his Aspie-traits, and he lives it. Like he is proud, only that he isn't, he just lives Aspieness. So I can recognise myself, and laugh at myself simultaneously. He is both what I always wanted to be (true to myself), and what I am sad about in myself (always different no matter how hard I tried to be like everyone else). And he is very bright within his field, and clueless outside his field. This I can relate to as well. So when I laugh at Sheldon, I laugh at myself. Still, he is different from me in various ways. Gender-wise of course but also the fact that he never tries to be like everyone else, at least not sincerely.

Which leads me to my second point: Amy Farrah Fowler. She is probably Aspie, too, but as a woman it has been more important for her to fit in (whether the need to be part of a group is related to biological gender or cultural gender is not clear to me, but I observe this need in women and girls much more than in men and boys). So she tries to fit in. And fails. She tries to do the girl things. And fails. She talks wrong. She walks wrong. She dresses wrong. Her posture is wrong. She is either clingy or very distant. She doesn't see herself from the outside. Not in a realistic manner at least. I hate Amy. I hate being reminded of the pain of not fitting in, the pain of being embarrassing, the pain of being too much. While Sheldon lives quirkiness, Amy lives 'I-only-realise-I-am-too-much-afterwards'.

I really want to believe that I was the only one that discovered my being embarrassing at all those incidents throughout my life. But when I see Amy, I know that other people discovered it, too. When I talked too loud. When I over-shared. When I said the wrong thing or said it in a wrong context. When I was too blunt, too honest, too affectionate, too much...

And Amy reminds me of me. In the most brutal, non-empathic and painful way.

Liebster award

One of my favourite aspie-related blogs, mados, has tagged me for the Liebster award. I am honoured and it only gave me a little performance anxiety. I have been thinking a lot about how to respond. As always, playing by the rules is the obvious option. Luckily for someone like me, the rules in this context are explicit. They are as follows:

1. Give 11 random facts about me.

2. Answer the 11 questions that the tagger gave me

3. Make 11 new questions for the people I tag to answer.

4. Tag 11 blogs that are new or have less than 200 followers**.

Allright, let's jump into it...

1: 11 random facts about me
1. I don't do random, everything is planned and structured ;)
2. My nail on the right thumb is much bigger than the nail on the left
3. I am lactose intolerant
4. The best thing I know is analysing large datasets
5. The second best thing I know is cooking
6. I don't like surprises
7. I love coffee
8. I hate shopping
9. But I love interior decorating shops and magazines
10. Not that that - at all - is reflected in my home
11. I find spiders and bugs very interesting but I am scared of flying things, birds and bats in particular.

2: Questions for me:

1. If you were to do a research project (no limitations, all resources provided), what would be its title and subject areaI do research for a living, so there are two answers to this question. One in my field of expertise and one in another area. In my own field I would like to work with data from some of the large American cohorts - and explore labour market consequences of common risk factors for disease, such as obesity and stress. Outside my own field: something very scientific, like neurology or insect studies. Or paleontology. I'd love to find out how the brain works and how everything originated...
2. Do you have a formal degree/education – and what is it?I have a masters degree in economics and a Ph.D. in health economics
3. What is the worst job you ever had, and why?I guess the one where my manager was a psychopath and made people cry, tops the list. Colleagues were nice though and I really liked the tasks. A runner-up was the part-time job I had in high school. I had to draw posters for a pizza-bakery. I got free food and colddrink. But I sat in a basement and inhaled the fumes from the permanent markers I had to use and I got a splitting headache. Every time.
4. If you had the chance to travel to another planet and return, which planet would you go to (not considering risk and travel time)?Being afraid of heights I am not really tempted to go into space. I fly often but I really don't like it. :)
5. If you and everybody you knew were to leave Earth on a generational spaceship and never return, which 3 words would best summarise your feelings about life on Earth?PleasantStressfulInefficient 
6. Who is your favourite author?I love books, and I love several authors, for different reasons. For many years my answer would have been Salman Rushdie. Then for a long period I would have said John Irving. I may even still say that. But the best book I've read is by Siri Hustvedt.
7. Have you ever thought of starting, or actually started, your own business – or undertaken freelance work?No, not really. I like having a manager and the structure of a workplace. 
8. What is your preferred balance between solitude and socialising (including with close family, but pets don’t count) – as a general ‘rule of thumb’, in percent?To be perfectly honest: 70-30. While it often is the opposite in reality, that would be my preference. As much as I love my family and friends, I need time alone to re-energize.
9. How do you prefer to socialise most of the time – Online or Offline?Online. I find real life socialising very stressful. I prefer written communication and also I can zone out when I want and leave the party without offending anybody.
10. Has blogging helped you to develop as a person or change your life in a positive direction?Indeed. My Danish blog has been an invaluable tool in the long-term conflict with and quasi-estrangement from my mother. My aspie blog (this one) helps me to put words on my different-ness that I've always felt but never formulated.
11. Which advice would you like to give new bloggers?Think carefully whether you want to be anonymous or not. If you are thoroughly anonymous, you can write about friends, family and colleagues - and they will never find out. In that case, don't tell people about your blog. I chose the middle way, I don't use my real name and my own photograph but I wasn't that difficult to identify (my Danish blog). I've bragged about this blog on facebook so it is not that anonymous, really. Sometimes I wish it was different. 

3: 11 questions for the tagged
1. What is your favourite time of day?
2. What is your favourite meal?
3. Do you have a special interest and if you do, how do you pursue it?
4. Are you doing any sports?
5. How do you view blogging (1): as a road to fame/new friends or a vent for thoughts you can't let out anywhere else?
6. How do you view blogging (2): relaxing or stressing?
7. Does your blog have a twitter account or a facebook page?
8. Who and what inspires you? People/books/TV-shows...
9. Do the people around you (colleagues, relatives, neighbours) know that you are blogging? Or are you, in the words of the Bug Girl, Batmanning?
10. If money wasn't an issue, where would you like to spend your vacation?
11. If you could bring a famous person on that vacation (dead or alive), who would it be?


4: Tag 11 new blogs
See, this was difficult. I have a number of blogs in my reader, most of them Danish-language, and the English-language ones are often very popular. I am not sure that the below selection is entirely by the rules but I've tried to tag blogs in two areas only: Autism/asperger and spiders/other bugs:

For aspie blogs, I follow many different. These five blogs are written by women that have aspergers themselves and/or have children with autism/asperger.
1. The seventh voice. Intelligent and well-spoken mother of an autistic son

2. Mind retrofit. Aspie mother of three, writing about her own and her childrens Asperger experiences. She is very honest and I can recognise myself a lot in what she writes.

3. Aspiewriter. Title sort of gives away the content, huh? ;) Also an aspie mother of three. And she's an author which is cool :)

4. The inner aspie. Strangely, another aspie mother of three.

Did I mention that I am a mother of three and that I am aspie? In my country however, home schooling is extremely seldom. This seems not to be the case in the US, where these women are based (so I gather). I mostly follow the inner aspie on facebook, but her blog is an interesting read.

5. The alien hippy. Aspie mother of an aspie daughter and she has such a lovely, honest and well, touching blog. Please go and read it. An you can follow alienhippy on facebook, too!

The next five blogs I've tagged are abut something completely different: spiders and other bugs
6. and 7. Thomas Shahan and  Nature closeup both have the most beautiful, amazing photographs of spiders. Take a look.

8. And bugs can not only be photographed, they can appear in poems too! The scope of this blog is rather narrow and perhaps that's why this is so fascinating. Three-line poems about spiders and other bugs with 6 legs: 3linesabout6legs!

9. The bug geek. Again, title says everything. An entomology PhD student, unfortunately taking a break these days. Doesn't matter really, you can still enjoy some of his older posts.

10. My all time favourite bug blogger, the bug girl. Her awesome spiderman post is probably the best tought lecture about spider reproduction, I've seen or heard.

And for the last tag, something completely different. I love cooking and baking, but most of the blogs I follow in this field is in Danish. In fact all blogs in my reader of this field are Danish. Except for this one which is - - - Swedish! But she writes in English :) Call me cupcake!

Tolerance

I've met quite a few people who probably qualify for an Asperger diagnosis. My mother for one. My brother for two. Etc. Two of the five women I consider my friends, have a lot of traits, too.

When I first started thinking my youngest son probably was an aspie, I was seeing W, who most likely IS an aspie. At that time my excellent student worker completed his education and we had to hire somebody else. I was at the interview when C applied for the job. I despised him, but my superior said his grades were brilliant and we had to hire him. I really disliked C. He was weird, aloof, and strangely immature. But he was also very bright, ambitious, and very good at computer programming stuff. In fact he was so good, that I had to do the menial work myself and think hard to come up with tasks that matched his competences.

I was irritated with C for almost all the time he was my student worker. Towards the end of his employment with us (he also completed his education), my irritation faded and eventually I almost liked him. He must have been Asperger.

Some time later, a woman applied for a job - a position similar to mine. I was again at the interview, this time with another superior and a close colleague. The woman, H, talked constantly for an hour. And said some weird things along the way. She had a strange expression on her face. She behaved like a robot and didn't notice when we were indicating that we wanted to leave. She also had the strangest CV I've ever seen. She had nurse training I think, a Masters degree in a foreign language and a PhD in science. She had changed jobs constantly. After the interview, which mostly consisted of H talking, my colleague and I just wanted to go back to work. We said she was strange, but, well, qualified. And my superior was anxious to get the 'problem' off his back. So we hired her, it seemed the easiest solution at the time. Regrettably, because a few months later, she and I shared an office. And I was annoyed beyond description. She couldn't understand 'signals' at all. Such as: When I sit and stare into my computer and look concentrated, almost angry, it means that I am concentrating on what I do and I prefer not to be disturbed. When I also put on big earphones, it means that I really really don't want to be disturbed. Of course, H must have been Asperger. And I was truly irritated with her.

I am not irritated with all aspies. I love my two dear female friends. I find Sheldon of the Big Bang Theory amusing, and only a bit irritating. I dated an Aspie for more than four years. In fact, I must have loved him. But when all the traits (my traits?) present themselves in one person, I feel very strongly (negative) about it. I remember the overwhelming irritation from my childhood, when my brother again said something that to me seemed inappropriate. And when my mother was weird, and seemed proud of it. And both C and H provoked a strong physical sense of irritation.

Why? Clearly I am reminded of my own defeats, when I did something similar (said something strange, inappropriate, or incomprehensible), and as soon as I heard the words I knew they were wrong. Or when I was aloof without knowing it, and people closed down. Or when I was immature. Or when I didn't get the signal. Etc.

Sorry C, H, mother, brother, and others. It wasn't you. It was me. I wasn't irritated with you. I was irritated with myself. Now I will be more tolerant. With you all. Including myself.

Perspective

We talk about train tickets. I go on and on about where I travelled to and from, and how I purchased my ticket. Did I always do this? I try (hard) to sense when they tire of the train talk, so I should stop. Did people always lose interest in my subject before I did?

We talk about baking. They ask for my recipes. There is a joke but I didn't catch it. Was there always a joke I didn't catch? I explain carefully how I go about baking, the share of wholewheat flour, the amount of yeast, and I realise I talk too much. I stop. Did I always talk too much?

We discuss a political topic. We disagree on a central point. My feelings on the topic rush through me and take over. I argue at length, well-spoken (to the point of being too hard), and in an emotional manner. Afterwards my opponent seems cross with me and avoids me. Have I always done this? Did this happen before?

We are friends and we meet on a regular basis. We share things that we don't share with everyone else. One day I share too much. My next invitation is declined. My greetings are met with surprise. Now we don't greet each other anymore. Have this happened before? Did I always over-share (when I stopped under-sharing of course)?

----

I know all these things happened before. I know because I was there and I noticed. I just didn't know why. Now I know, and that has increased my sense of these things. Before I ignored it, didn't see a pattern, thought the other people were dumbasses, etc. My recognition of my own Asperger has changed my perspective. These issues, that I disregarded before, are now perhaps blown out of proportion.

So what is better? Disregarding, ignorance and blaming everyone else? Or over-focusing and blaming myself?

The melting pot

Among the common aspie traits are meltdowns. In fact, this is not a trait or a feature, rather it is a recurring behaviour. Hence I think it can be 'cured', at least to an extent.

A meltdown is an uncontrollable anger and sorrow, expressing itself through me, but using means of communication that are unfamiliar to me. During the meltdown I say things I didn't know I felt, in a horrible and hurting manner. I shout and I swear. I cry. Afterwards I am exhausted as if I went to war and fought it all by myself. About half an hour later I start getting a headache.

The feelings expressed by me during a meltdown are mine. They belong to a hidden subconsciousness and perhaps it's best if they stay there. But they are mine, I admit that. Before my mouth expresses these feelings I didn't know I had them. Afterwards I take responsibility (though somewhat reluctantly) for the feelings.

I have nothing positive to say about the way I express these feelings. I wish I didn't express them at all, I wish that at least I could express myself in a more civilised manner. I am trying.

My son has the same problem. When he feels that he is being treated unfair, he risks having a meltdown. Some circumstances may trigger this, e.g. being under under types of pressure - if his peers look at him in class, if there are guests at our house etc. It has been a long while since he had a meltdown at home though. Feeling secure prevents meltdowns apparently.

My son describes the process like this: In an unpleasant situation, there are two men (in his head that is): the ignoring-man and the anger-man. The ignoring-man wants my son to ignore if he is being bullied or laughed at. He (the ignoring-man) demonstrates this wish by sitting on a chair, ignoring. The anger-man wants my son to be angry (leading to a meltdown) and cry. He expresses his wish by being angry, and acts aggressively towards the ignoring-man. So if the ignoring-man tries to tell my son to act sensibly (i.e. ignore the annoyance), the anger-man will jump from his chair and press his hand against the ignoring-mans mouth. The anger-man usually wins.

I like the picture, but I am sad about its implications. The tendency to melt down is, due to its aggression, superior to more sustainable and wise coping strategies, when they are confronted inside the head (my sons head, or mine, for that matter). The ignoring-man needs assistance, and I told my son that. I said: 'You need to help the ignoring-man by imagining what he would say, and do as he does'. I am going to do that myself, I go with the ignoring-man, because going with the anger-man only leads to more trouble.

Physical contact

About five years ago, I saw on facebook a group called Asperger Awareness. I had a look and one of the things they listed as an aspie trait was: Standing too close to others.

I felt a number of things: Firstly I was annoyed. Did we really become so intolerant that we assign diagnoses to people that cross the 15 cm boundary? If diagnoses are trigged by such minor details, we eventually end up in a society where nobody belongs to normality anymore... And then I was also relieved. Because I was home free. I don't stand too close to others. In fact, I think I stand too far away. As history showed, I was not home free, and now I am quite content about being an aspie. But is has taken me a while to get there. I wasn't there yet five years ago.

Proximity to others bother me. I am not talking about my family, but everybody else. If another person stands close to me, I usually take a step away. I really don't like talking to people when I can also smell them. If I have to show a colleague something on my computer, I carefully place myself away from him or her, e.g. with a chair in between. I don't like it if I accidentally touch the other person during a conversation.

Some people use physical contact as part of their communication. E.g. some colleague pats me on my shoulder while we are talking about school kids over lunch. I gathered that it was a way of telling me: I know how you feel, I feel the same way and you have a funny way of expressing your experiences. But I had major difficulties in concentrating on our conversation because her constant patting me on my shoulder distracted me. Sometimes I get used to it though.

If there is one rule of greeting and it is hugging then hugging is OK. But some people hug upon arrival one time and before farewell the next. Some people hug hello and goodbye one time and not at all the next. Nobody (I guess) hug their colleagues everytime they meet. But if the colleague had a baby, or they leave because they got another job, then you hug. Maybe. And if you don't work together anymore but meet at the zoo one day, you hug, even though you never touched the person while the two of you worked together.

I hug because social convention dictates it. I'd rather not touch at all. I am not afraid of germs or anything, I just get very self-concious and insecure. And I can see the disappointment in people's eyes when I 'forget' (I don't, I just pretend). You see, I didn't hug the colleague that had a baby. And not the ex-colleague at the zoo either.

My family and my best friends: That is different. If I feel completely comfortable with others touching is OK, and I like to hug. I still get confused about physical contact as a means of communication though. I get distracted when the person I am talking to, touches me during conversation.

This is what it's like

It is like singing in a choir, and constantly being out of tune. Sometimes to the point of singing a different song. Other times almost carrying the tune. And not knowing which is which. Either I have to be very proud of my out of tune singing, or I just shut up, pretend I am singing and knowing that I will never ever learn.

It is like being Goldielock, but never finding the right chair. There's always something wrong. Too cold, too noisy, too many people...

It is like being a sprinter in a marathon. You can impress at first, but sooner or later they'll find out that you can't run the whole distance.

---

This is what it's like for me:

Good stuff:
I am honest. I will not cheat you, and I will do my best to help you and to make you feel comfortable.

I have a very good memory. I remember birthdays, telephone numbers, past events, how you take your coffee, and almost everything you told me (though I forget what I have told you).

I am good at concentrating. I dig into a subject until I have the information I need.

I am loyal and I don't escape, not physically and not into substances.

Not-quite-so-good stuff:
I am always cold. And when I wear woolen clothes and turn up the heater, I am fine temperaturewise but my eyes get dry and sore.

I need complete darkness before I can sleep. I wear 'night goggles' even when it is dark in the bedroom. I can't sleep - even with the goggles - if the light is on in the room.

There's a track in my mind that is always busy. I can't stop thinking, and I can't control the thoughts. That is also why I can't sleep. It is also the reason of many conflicts, because it is not nice, calm and harmonious thoughts. The track is like a railway track next to the real railway track. When the train manages to switch tracks (I don't know how), it runs on the 'thought-track' and it can't get back to the real railway track. The thought-track often leads to aggression, temper tantrums, and regular meltdowns. I wish it was not like that. I wish I knew how to control the train.

I am gullible and I am extremely bad at lying. Very often I don't catch jokes or I catch them too late.

Crowds exhaust me. Sometimes I get social anxiety but most often I am just very self-conscious. I don't mind crowds of strangers though. They don't expect anything from me.

I lose things out of my hands. When that happens, I cry and scold myself.

I don't know what to do with other people's feelings. I have empathy but I don't know how to show it.

----

This is what I do to make me feel better:

Being at home.

Structuring and planning (calendar, to-do lists).

Knowing what is going to happen.

Baking.

Cooking.

Running.

Sleeping on my stomach.

----

This is what others can do to make me feel better:

Don't surprise me.

Inform me, structure things, be predictable

Don't write between the lines (I might read it but you never know)

Be honest.

If you want me to do something (or don't something), please tell me.

Talking about feelings and other sensitive issues is probably not such a good idea. I am much better in writing. Writing also prevent most tantrums. So if there's something sensitive you want to tell me, it's fine by me to e-mail or facebook-chat about it.

If you think that I go too much on and on about nutrition or a smartphone app, just ask me to stop :)

The social coach

In 2002 I was divorced. Two years later I met another man, known by my friends and my Danish blog as W. He was 44 when I met him, so calling him a 'boyfriend' somehow doesn't seem right. We went out for four years and a bit, and it was not a happy relationship. At least I wasn't happy. It was while I was seeing W, that child care professionals started talking about Asperger's in relation to my youngest son. I was rejecting them completely but W thought I should hear them out. He was a child professional himself and I suspect he talked on behalf of his profession. He also had a son (he still has I guess). His son went for regular tests, he has epilepsy, ADHD and maybe something else as well. The boy went to specialised daycare and education. Somebody also talked about Aspergers in relation to W's son.

W never managed to 'see himself from the outside', but his daughter and some of my friends suspected that he had Aspergers. Now I am certain that he does. Compared to him, I was more outgoing and socially ept. My own challenges were minor compared to his. Also, this was before my long period of self-development, where the Aspie-recognition is only the last step. And I have several years of practice in the fine art of almost fitting in. When I compare myself to W and to my mother, I see at least one major advantage of my own personality: I am friendly and tolerant and I have a positive way of thinking. My mother doesn't, and W didn't. Therefore people like me, and my probability of being accepted is much higher than theirs.

W used me as a social coach. His job as a teacher provided daily challenges, with peers not with the children, in the form of small-talk, smiling at people, making friends with people. And he changed his workplace rather often. Everywhere he ran into problems. And he told me about it and I tried to tell him what to do. I think it was his Aspergers combined with the personality: People saw him as rejecting and cross, and nobody wants to get to know a person like that. During the course of our relationship, the coaching part of our conversations grew in size and eventually there was no time for me to tell about my day or whatever I needed to talk about. Not that I really needed HIS advise on anything, his advise was very lousy. I was a bit annoyed with this development but I also enjoyed being of use.

I broke up with W, embarked on a development process, during which I discovered my own Aspie traits (as described), met my husband, and now I am here. My husband knows a lot of Aspies and he works with engineers, but he is not Asperger himself and definitely more socially ept than I am. I often want to ask him for advise in social situations but do not want our relationship to develop the way W's and mine did. I don't want to be W! Sometimes I can hear W's sentences in my head, and if I don't stop myself I'll talk like him. My husband never met W, so he wouldn't know, but I know...

Parents and children

Aspergers has only been part of the vocabulary for the past ten years or so. The diagnosis may have been invented much earlier, but when I was a child nobody knew about Aspergers. We hadn’t even heard of autism until Rain Man.

I think that my grandfather was irritated with my mother. She was a girl and he wished for a boy, but also I think he was put off by some of her traits such as being stubborn, anxious, black-and-white, introvert, a bit paranoid and other characteristics that he had himself. My grandfather had a few interests and could go on and on about them. He also took refuge in the kitchen. I don’t know how common this is, but I see numerous examples of parents being very irritated with their children when the children remind them of themselves. And that was the case for my mother and her father. What they had in common was quite a few Aspie-traits.

My mother did many things to spite her parents. A lot of her actions have been driven by anger. She felt neglected as a child and I believe she never really forgave her father for that. Her response to the demands of her surroundings was to be as different as she possibly could. She despised those people that fitted in, people wearing fashion clothes, watching soccer matches, reading gossip magazines and all the other things ‘people’ did. Then she had two children: a boy that displayed so many of the characteristics that she had herself. And a girl (that would be me) that was so eager to fit in that nobody noticed she also had those characteristics. My mother has always had an attitude of surprise and disapproval towards me. I think my need to fit in is seen by her as betrayal. Because her thing was to not fit in, and demonstrate against those that did. My brother on the other hand, did not fit in. Maybe he wanted to if he could. But the gender difference in how Aspergers manifests is the key to understanding why my brother and I developed so differently.

My mother could relate to my brother and never really related to me. I had, after all, rejected her project of not fitting in. What she doesn’t know is that I didn’t. I was close though. I have been so worn out by parties because I tried so hard to be like the others. And I have spent hours, days even, contemplating what I should have said or – in particular – not said. But I went to the party or function or whatever it was. And I tried, because I wanted to. This is probably what my mother despised of.

My point is that I see Aspie parents acting in two different ways towards their children with Aspergers (nobody of course said the A-word). Either they form a strong alliance with the child, as my mother did with my brother. She protected him like she had wished for protection (and perhaps understanding) as a child.

I have been mad at my youngest son many times. My parents have suggested that I was sad because he was different. I think most parents experience a kind of sorrow when their child appears to be less than perfect. During the past year or so I have come to understand that my youngest son is much more like me than I thought. And my sorrow related to his being different is in fact related to me being different. I experience him going through the same challenges that I did. Only, there was no such thing as Aspergers then, and I was a girl and much better at hiding under the radar.

The closet door

In Denmark, people with Aspergers are mostly regarded as having a disability. Child care professionals, lots of parents, and journalists talk and write about it that way. Seeing the difference as a mere difference, which may even be turned into a strength, is not a common way to percieve Aspergers. And autism and other diagnoses as well.

Once, I met a boy of about 11 whose parents had him diagnosed with Aspergers. He described himself as disabled. We had some function at our house and I took refuge in the kitchen (as I always do when I can get away with it). This boy came and asked if he could help. I asked him to chop vegetables or something and the two of us talked. He said that he wasn't very good at being around large crowds (such as the one gathering in our house that day), because he was disabled. While we worked together, we talked about cooking, food, recipes, and his school. When there was no more to be done in the kitchen, I found him a remote room and a computer, and he and a few other boys played some online games.

This boy came across as nice, friendly, skilled (at least much better at cooking than his peers), and I was left with a very positive impression of him. And still, his parents, obviously not meaning to do any harm, had been so focused on the diagnosis, that the boy introduces himself as being disabled.

When child care professionals are eager to put a diagnosis on the childen in Danish schools and nursery schools, I am afraid that their motivation is mainly to be allocated more ressources, because a child with a diagnosis is entitled to additional support. We know very little of the consequences for the child later in life, what will happen when they, as the boy in my kitchen, introduce themselves as disabled? Can they get a job? A partner? Children?

A young man with Aspergers wrote a letter to the newspaper, describing the difficulties he encountered in getting a job, because he's got the diagnosis.

So parents and child care professionals make a child come out of the Aspie-closet, which only results in a stamp on his forehead. And for reasons that mainly relate to the needs of parents and teachers, that child has to carry the stamp with him for the rest of his life. Thus while the closet door opens, many other doors close.

I am a bit scared on my on behalf. But only a bit. I know I can adjust, I did it my entire life. And also, I already have a partner, children, a job. But on behalf of my youngest son: I am certain that the diagnosis will do him more harm than good. Not because of him, not because of the Aspergers. But because of the Danish manner of seeing needs instead of opportunities. Let's just close that closet door.

I am still me

For most of my life, I've been working very hard trying to fit in, to be like the others, to be 'normal'. Around my 40th birthday four years ago, I started on a development process, during which I began to redefine myself. Perhaps it is OK not to be 'normal'.

The four years since that process started have taught me that there are vices and virtues of being 'different'. But I kept thinking that I was normal, I just had a bit of Aspergers. Only recently I realised that I in fact have a lot of Aspergers.

So sometimes I see it this way: I was 'normal' for 40 years, I was 'normal' but slightly different for four years, and now I am just different. It is like I lost my grip on normality, and where does that take me? Did the process suddenly accelerate and did I just lose control?

Loss of control really scares me. As in really really really. And I have to keep telling myself that this process is under my control and I will NOT end up being an isolated Rain Man. I am still me. Just a little different.

Now what!

I started blogging about fifteen months ago. My Danish blog has centered around a dramatic conflict with my mother in July 2011. Later, I touched upon other issues such as my relationship with my husband and challenges involving my children. One central challenge relates to my youngest son. Since he was about five, nursery school teachers and teachers and psychologists have suggested that he might have Aspergers. I have (almost violently) denied. Through my blogging I came to realise that my maternal grandfather, my mother, my uncle, my brother and probably also my youngest son, all have Aspergers.

Now where does that recognition leave me? I started to think that my anger towards those people wanting to diagnose my son was related to all those traits of his that I had as a child or still have. Thus I felt they were criticising me... So maybe I was Asperger too? A lot of conversations between my husband and me, and between my best friend and me, touched on the topic of Aspergers.

So, after giving it a lot of thought, I took a test. That is, I took a number of tests. And scored very high on the Asperger scale. And spent the next couple of days searching the internet for implications of this finding. I found a number of blogs and facebook groups. Most of the Danish web-pages and facebook groups seemed to be dominated by people that couldn't get the help they felt they needed, from the municipality. So much talk of social workers and financial support...

I can't relate to that, I may be a little different but I am not a victim, and I can support myself. The American blogs and pages were much better. I subscribe to a number of them and I really enjoy reading them. They talk of being Aspie as a challenge AND a strength. Also with my newfound knowledge it is a pleasure reading about others being like me.

My strong preference for the American websites drove me to starting a new blog which is not written in my native language. My hope is that I can give a little bit back to those people that made me feel so... recognised...