Un-opinionated

I have strong analytical skills and weak opinions. I only realised that about myself yesterday.

There is a lot of changes taking place at work these days. I don't like that and I am eagerly waiting for it to pass. Some of the changes are good, others (such as people being laid off) are sad or worrying. I try to maintain a constructive attitude. But it is very difficult. Some of my colleagues are very negative, and they tend to see the worst, maybe even a conspiracy, in the whole thing. And when I talk to these people, I adopt their views. I become negative myself. It is as if they trigger something, a process that I can't stop. Ten minutes of negative talk and then I loop. I get stressed and depressed and I can't sleep.

I realised that my subconcious appears to have invented its own coping strategy. To put things in perspective, I seek the company of people with more positive views. I try and balance things in my head.

It is as if there is an analysis machine inside my head. If it is fed with conspiracy and negativity, it produces a negative analysis bordering on a full conspiracy theory. On the other hand, if it is fed with more constructive thoughts, the resulting analysis is likewise constructive and balanced.

Politically, I have some strong views on equal rights. I don't doubt for a second, that people's own choices should be respected as long as they don't impact negatively on others freedom. In other words, people can have whatever religion, living arrangements, sexual preferences etc. they wish and I strongly believe that society should accommodate this. That was basically the end of my strong views.

For everything else, I am - regrettably - a windbag. If I can see the reason of peoples argument, I more or less adopt it. And very often I can see the reason. I long ago decided on my favourite political party, which makes things easy, because I just have to adopt their views.

Damn. I wish I had stronger views - on a greater variety of things. Maybe this has to do with being a copycat?

The melting pot

Among the common aspie traits are meltdowns. In fact, this is not a trait or a feature, rather it is a recurring behaviour. Hence I think it can be 'cured', at least to an extent.

A meltdown is an uncontrollable anger and sorrow, expressing itself through me, but using means of communication that are unfamiliar to me. During the meltdown I say things I didn't know I felt, in a horrible and hurting manner. I shout and I swear. I cry. Afterwards I am exhausted as if I went to war and fought it all by myself. About half an hour later I start getting a headache.

The feelings expressed by me during a meltdown are mine. They belong to a hidden subconsciousness and perhaps it's best if they stay there. But they are mine, I admit that. Before my mouth expresses these feelings I didn't know I had them. Afterwards I take responsibility (though somewhat reluctantly) for the feelings.

I have nothing positive to say about the way I express these feelings. I wish I didn't express them at all, I wish that at least I could express myself in a more civilised manner. I am trying.

My son has the same problem. When he feels that he is being treated unfair, he risks having a meltdown. Some circumstances may trigger this, e.g. being under under types of pressure - if his peers look at him in class, if there are guests at our house etc. It has been a long while since he had a meltdown at home though. Feeling secure prevents meltdowns apparently.

My son describes the process like this: In an unpleasant situation, there are two men (in his head that is): the ignoring-man and the anger-man. The ignoring-man wants my son to ignore if he is being bullied or laughed at. He (the ignoring-man) demonstrates this wish by sitting on a chair, ignoring. The anger-man wants my son to be angry (leading to a meltdown) and cry. He expresses his wish by being angry, and acts aggressively towards the ignoring-man. So if the ignoring-man tries to tell my son to act sensibly (i.e. ignore the annoyance), the anger-man will jump from his chair and press his hand against the ignoring-mans mouth. The anger-man usually wins.

I like the picture, but I am sad about its implications. The tendency to melt down is, due to its aggression, superior to more sustainable and wise coping strategies, when they are confronted inside the head (my sons head, or mine, for that matter). The ignoring-man needs assistance, and I told my son that. I said: 'You need to help the ignoring-man by imagining what he would say, and do as he does'. I am going to do that myself, I go with the ignoring-man, because going with the anger-man only leads to more trouble.

I am still me

For most of my life, I've been working very hard trying to fit in, to be like the others, to be 'normal'. Around my 40th birthday four years ago, I started on a development process, during which I began to redefine myself. Perhaps it is OK not to be 'normal'.

The four years since that process started have taught me that there are vices and virtues of being 'different'. But I kept thinking that I was normal, I just had a bit of Aspergers. Only recently I realised that I in fact have a lot of Aspergers.

So sometimes I see it this way: I was 'normal' for 40 years, I was 'normal' but slightly different for four years, and now I am just different. It is like I lost my grip on normality, and where does that take me? Did the process suddenly accelerate and did I just lose control?

Loss of control really scares me. As in really really really. And I have to keep telling myself that this process is under my control and I will NOT end up being an isolated Rain Man. I am still me. Just a little different.