It is like singing in a choir, and constantly being out of tune. Sometimes to the point of singing a different song. Other times almost carrying the tune. And not knowing which is which. Either I have to be very proud of my out of tune singing, or I just shut up, pretend I am singing and knowing that I will never ever learn.
It is like being Goldielock, but never finding the right chair. There's always something wrong. Too cold, too noisy, too many people...
It is like being a sprinter in a marathon. You can impress at first, but sooner or later they'll find out that you can't run the whole distance.
This is what it's like for me:
I am honest. I will not cheat you, and I will do my best to help you and to make you feel comfortable.
I have a very good memory. I remember birthdays, telephone numbers, past events, how you take your coffee, and almost everything you told me (though I forget what I have told you).
I am good at concentrating. I dig into a subject until I have the information I need.
I am loyal and I don't escape, not physically and not into substances.
I am always cold. And when I wear woolen clothes and turn up the heater, I am fine temperaturewise but my eyes get dry and sore.
I need complete darkness before I can sleep. I wear 'night goggles' even when it is dark in the bedroom. I can't sleep - even with the goggles - if the light is on in the room.
There's a track in my mind that is always busy. I can't stop thinking, and I can't control the thoughts. That is also why I can't sleep. It is also the reason of many conflicts, because it is not nice, calm and harmonious thoughts. The track is like a railway track next to the real railway track. When the train manages to switch tracks (I don't know how), it runs on the 'thought-track' and it can't get back to the real railway track. The thought-track often leads to aggression, temper tantrums, and regular meltdowns. I wish it was not like that. I wish I knew how to control the train.
I am gullible and I am extremely bad at lying. Very often I don't catch jokes or I catch them too late.
Crowds exhaust me. Sometimes I get social anxiety but most often I am just very self-conscious. I don't mind crowds of strangers though. They don't expect anything from me.
I lose things out of my hands. When that happens, I cry and scold myself.
I don't know what to do with other people's feelings. I have empathy but I don't know how to show it.
This is what I do to make me feel better:
Being at home.
Structuring and planning (calendar, to-do lists).
Knowing what is going to happen.
Sleeping on my stomach.
This is what others can do to make me feel better:
Don't surprise me.
Inform me, structure things, be predictable
Don't write between the lines (I might read it but you never know)
If you want me to do something (or don't something), please tell me.
Talking about feelings and other sensitive issues is probably not such a good idea. I am much better in writing. Writing also prevent most tantrums. So if there's something sensitive you want to tell me, it's fine by me to e-mail or facebook-chat about it.
If you think that I go too much on and on about nutrition or a smartphone app, just ask me to stop :)